Toilet from Hell

We've all experienced those moments when nature suddenly calls and keeps calling like it has unlimited hours. Those times, when it seems to take forever to get to that damned phone, and the ringing becomes louder and more insistent. You develop a special walk as you begin to desperately plead with God, that under no circumstances , do you miss that call.

Well last week, I began a freshman class in a new building I'd never taught in before when Nature decided to replace its various call centres in India with me(I thought the chicken was a little off). Anyways, the bells were ringing and the countdown to main engine ignition had begun and I was frantically waddling.....like one of those weird speed walkers, only with a good reason to clench my cheeks. Down one hall, up a flight of stairs, trying to swing deals with God like a Hollywood divorce attorney. Finally, just when it seemed I was about to enter my second toodlerhood...Mommy, I make poo poo in my pants.......the holy grail (well, one that I'd never drink from no matter how miraculous its properties) appeared with the sacred words blazing 'MEN'S WC'.

A sense of relief began to fill me, and I hurried that much faster, lest that sense of relief spread too far and my quest was in vain. I burst into the first stall and the sight froze my intestines...fortunately. How the hell does that much shit end up on the ceiling??? The next two stalls were locked, one likely occupied by the shit flinging monkey. AHA!! The last one was open - but oh my God it was an Asian toilet!! As you can see by the above picture it is a urinal in the floor. You have to squat on over them...and pray your keys, wallet or spare change doesn't fall in and hope that your pants have been placed in such a fashion that they don't fall in or catch something on its way down. There's not anything to hold onto, so use your imagination...better yet, don't!!

To go on with gross and disgusting it was only after main engines had fired and I had initiated a sustained burn(damned chicken) I discovered there was no TP to be seen...... anywhere, except for the used stuff they pile in little cans. NO!!! I didn't recycle. The only paper I had on me was in my wallet or in my briefcase (my syllabus for the year). I'll leave the rest up to you to determine which was dearer to me.

Well now that I've regaled you, and likely disgusted you with the trials and tribulations of bodily functions. I have to tell you that I never travel anywhere here without my little package of bum fluff. Everything is going well with us all. My eldest son is back in Canada going to Grade 8, hopefully only once. We're all busy and hoping for cooler weather soon, well cooler by local standards, not Canadian ones. Christmas is coming soon and we're hoping for a trip to Cebu, Phuket or Bali for a couple of weeks of R&R. Chances are it may just be a week in Hong Kong.

L8R